you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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