I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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