The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's shark week go big or go home
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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