He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
