I think my vagina is haunted
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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