He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
