im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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