Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
