1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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