I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
