He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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