I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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