No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
