Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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