he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
