Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
