thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
