totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
