At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
