I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
