Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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