If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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