what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
