so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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