hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize