I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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