you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
