Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
