I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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