Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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