I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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