I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
