just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
