sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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