I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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