My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
