he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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