Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
