You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
