i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
