According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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