His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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