I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
