Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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