so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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