remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
