Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
