I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
