Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
