Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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