May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
