I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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